If you're like me, you often rewatch a film, over and over, until you've memorized every line, until you can tell whether Will Smith's dick hangs to the left or to the right, until you can blurt out how many people the T1000 transforms into without a moment's thought. I often rewatch films, somehow expecting that I might change the course of events. Watch out, Ben Kingsley as Gandhi, motherfucker's got a gun! No, Oldboy, don't touch dat ho, she be your daughter! No, fellowship of the ring, don't go into the mines of Moria or Gandalf shall be Balrog-killed! I'm not a fan of conflict, so in almost any film that I watch more than once, I find myself wishing to jump into the film and alter its outcome. Which is what I'm going to do....riiiight....abooooouuuutttt.....now.
Let us begin this first installment of Why Didn't They? with Jurassic Park, everyone's favorite film.
Why didn't they just clone peaceful herbivores? Were deadly, man-eating raptors and T-rexes really necessary? Morons.
Why did no one but Dr. Grant know that frogs could spontaneously change sex? Where did those fucking scientists get their degrees, University of Phoenix? DeVry? Jesus.
Why didn't Dr. Grant just ride in the fucking car with Timmy? Is talking about your area of expertise with an eager young dinosaur enthusiast really that bad? What an asshole. No wonder he didn't have any fucking kids and Ellie left his grumpy ass.
Why didn't they make Geoffrey the gatekeeper white? Then he wouldn't have died.
Why did everyone laugh at Dr. Grant when he presented his theory that birds evolved from dinosaurs? Do any of those people know the first thing about evolution? Who the fuck are those bystanders, anyway? A bunch of seventh day adventists on a field trip? Who just drives out into the middle of a vast, hot desert to see what the local paleontologists are up to? And what's the fucking deal with that little shit's attitude? I'm kind of glad Dr. Grant pretended to slit his belly open. AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE GUY WITH THE LONG CURLY HAIR AND THE DENIM BOOTY SHORTS?
Why didn't Timmy and Dr. Grant just move to the other side of the tree? Trees are cylindrical, you know. If a jeep is going to crush you, it is possible to like....climb to the other side.
Why didn't they make Sam Jackson the star of Jurassic Park 3, with a new superhuman, spear-chucking bionic arm (he's a scientist. work it out, mate), footlong hair, a loin cloth, and a deadly mission to seek vengeance against the raptor that took his limb all those years ago? Obviously he has been killing his way to the truth ever since. Maybe at the end he could find out that it was Dennis Nedry, who actually wasn't killed by the dilophosaurus and just really wanted a snack...a black, arm-shaped snack. OH SHIT, SURPRISE ENDING.
Why didn't Tim just climb down from the fence? What a selfish little shit. Is it too late to give a 12 year old shaken baby syndrome?
Why didn't they have pulled pork over coconut rice on the menu at the restaurant? Hmmm, Mr. Hammond? I THOUGHT YOU SPARED NO EXPENSE.
Why didn't they hire more Asian lab techs? BD Wong can only do so much. Maybe with some real experts they could have prevented this whole mess from happening.
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it'll be a long time before any of us write a post this good.
ReplyDeleteAh Bryan,
ReplyDeleteyour witty revisionist movie history and thinly-veiled racism always tickle me. But next time, please tackle a film that's a little less heavy, like Schindler's List.
....who said it was thinly veiled?
ReplyDelete"Why didn't they just clone peaceful herbivores? Were deadly, man-eating raptors and T-rexes really necessary?"
ReplyDeleteThis is the main problem with scientists. They don't always think about the exact ramifications of their actions. Sometimes it's just a matter of: "huh... I wonder what would happen if I...."