the wolfman has no claws

so i saw the wolfman. i've been looking forward to it with mild interest for about 2 years now. "hey. benny del toro as the fucking wolfman? anthony fucking hopkins as his dad? hugo fucking weaving as the detective hell-bent on blasting his face off with a big gun? fuck yes!" i thought.

the only thing this film has going for it are its sweet visual effects. lots of entertaining murder happens in this film. if you like watching a hairy manbeast spill people's intestines, cut off heads, joyously rip off limbs, and throw people at things, and things at people, you'll probably love it.

however, if you enjoy films where not just entertaining murder, but additional things also happen which make you, like, i dunno, give a shit, you should pass. "what about the characters, what about the drama?" i can hear you ask me. good question. unfortunately, i am also wondering these things. characters? what fucking characters? this is a film where a bunch of things happen to people, and they react in various ways, and go to various locations, and occasionally say things to each other. that's about it. while the barest thread of a character arc exists for a couple of people, hugo weaving's detective abberline is the most hilariously impotent character of all time. he basically shows up, says "we gotta get this wolf!" and pursues the wolf for a couple of scenes. what the fuck, hugo. you came out of semiretirement for THIS? and the limp-dick "no, benicio del toro! we can't be lovers, i was your brother's wife!" romance subplot was about the least engaging screen romance ever.

there were several moments were the film was so obviously watered down in the editing room. watered down with sour piss. what is the deal with that big fart of an ending?

*SPOILERS*
if the writers had any balls at all, they would have had Hugo Weaving blast his head off after he was bitten. i mean what the hell, the werewolves have been killed and he stands there in front of everyone like "...oh shit." no one bothers to point out that he's going to turn into a fucking werewolf and continue to terrorize the countryside for decades. this is his one chance in the story to prove his worth, to show whether he's truly dedicated to killing the beast once and for all. how dramatic and character-revealing, right? right at that moment i was like "yes! maybe this diabetic film that has as much energy as my grandma after a four-hour sunday brunch at Hometown Buffet will slightly redeem itself with a firecracker ending!"

but no, of course not. no one says a thing, it skips the conflict entirely and cuts away. then the film quickly ends with a shot of a full moon or whatever and the sound of a werewolf howling. HOW FUCKING SPOOKY. i suspect a suicide conclusion was filmed, then shit on by a studio executive and burned. on the plus side, i guess the ambiguous ending gives us room for sequels. SIGH.

on a final note, in the trailer, a glass-eating badass villager delivers the following badass exposition: "twas 25 years ago that me father found 'im. he was tore to pieces and half-eaten, with brens and gots spilled all round..." etc. this scene popped up in the film and the guy was DUBBED OVER in a higher pitch and with less of an accent. god dammit. you idiots.